Exclusive: Neha Dhupia on motherhood, career and staying relevant

Her ability to reinvent herself has allowed Neha Dhupia to remain relevant. In a world where shelf-life is as shifting as sand, the actor has firmly established herself over the years. Straddling various mediums and formats, Neha is open to every experiment. From the international film Blue 52 with Adil Hussain OTT series Therapy Sherapy, where she plays a therapist to the popular celebrity podcast No Filter Neha, her portfolio is eclectic. What firmly reinforces her reputation is her role as mentor once again on the 20th season of the cult reality show MTV Roadies. She was dropped from projects after she got pregnant, trolled for postpartum weight, and then there was ‘mom guilt’ and the fear of ‘missed opportunities’ where her growing children were concerned. Now Neha has finally found calm amidst the chaos. Her advocacy for women’s issues, including menstruation, breastfeeding, and fitness, has made her an icon in her own right, urging women to celebrate themselves. Excerpts from an interview with the feisty actor, who has a ‘never-say-never’ attitude.

You were dropped from some projects after you got pregnant and from others because of post-delivery weight. Did that disturb you?

When you’re asked to step down from a project the day you disclose your pregnancy, even though the project is set to begin months later, it does disturb you. You feel helpless. You feel let down. You talk it out with a few people, which is what I did. But I didn’t fight it. Whatever happens, happens for a reason and the reason is always a good one. Something better is waiting for you. I had to leave some projects because I was pregnant with my second child. Some have come back to me, and some haven’t. But if I were to focus on what I lost versus what I have, my babies then I have gained so much more.

How difficult was it to handle body shaming?

I had my first child at 37 and my second at 40. Imagine what happens to women who have children in their 20s. They’re subjected to so much judgement. No new mother should be put through this kind of trolling. I lead a parenting initiative, Freedom to Feed, where I talk about everything, from normalising breastfeeding to other aspects of motherhood. The trolls were not the worry. The real worry was whether I’d get back to doing good work, something that resonates with the audiences. Professionally, I had my share of troubles. But personally, I’m fortunate to be married to a man who, no matter what phase of life I’ve been in, has always made me feel attractive. They say ‘attraction’ lessens after having children, but luckily, that wasn’t the case for us. It has a lot to do with what you share with your partner.

What kept you going?

I’ve had my highs and lows. But the highs haven’t been too high and the lows haven’t been too low. It’s because of the person I am. My upbringing, my values, my education… All of these have shaped me and made me aware that, while I love what I do, I don’t base my self-worth on it. I do obsess about doing my best but
I don’t strive for higher highs. Anything more than this and I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Then what do you base your self-worth on?

You’ll be surprised. For example, the fact that I got back to running after having two kids. I lost 21 kilos without shortcuts. No supplements, no procedures. Although I was two sizes smaller in my 20s, I’m fitter, stronger and quicker today. I base my self-worth on that. Or even that moment when we could be at the busiest airport, and out of nowhere, my husband’s (Angad Bedi) hand slips into mine. Waking up early, working out, dropping the kids off at school, getting to work and giving it my 100 per cent focus, sharing a good conversation with my husband, having dinner with the kids, narrating stories to them as they fall asleep… all this adds to my self-worth. These are things money can’t buy. Self-worth doesn’t lie in the handbag you carry, the cars you drive or your box-office collections. If this attitude of mine can change even one actor, who understands that one ‘Friday’ cannot define you, it would be
truly worthwhile.

What would be something that added to your self-worth recently?

I was shocked when I was called back for Roadies Season 20. I’m in my 40s with two kids. My self-regard isn’t tied to the paycheck I receive, but to the love I’ve garnered for the show over the years. During the four years I was away from it, people kept asking, “When are you coming back?” It was humbling.

How arduous was the journey back to fitness?

Fitness, for me, is about doing things that make you happy. It’s not about returning to your original size but about keeping a reality check and most importantly, being kind to yourself. After my first pregnancy, I lost all the weight. Then we went into lockdown. Shortly after, I became pregnant again. It was harder the second time. There was a two-year-old who needed me, and a baby I was feeding and nursing. I told my closest friends, who’ve been so supportive, that right now my priorities are family, work and myself. If I find the time, I’ll surely meet you.

What’s the relationship rule you and your husband Angad follow?

Respect. It comes in many different ways. It’s about giving each other attention, listening, sharing, trusting, and honouring each other’s choices. If I have to travel for two to three weeks, Angad holds the fort. It comes from a sense of equality. Noone is the boss here. Marriage is a different ballgame; you have to work on it every day. As parents, each of us brings 100 per cent to the situation. I don’t believe in 50-50. Some days, he might give 90 per cent and I could chip in with just 10 per cent. On other days, I might contribute more. As a unit, we give our 100 per cent to the relationship.

Has it been a deliberate choice to keep your children away from the spotlight?

Of course, it’s a deliberate choice. Every mother has her own way of being protective. It can be overwhelming for some parents when their children are photographed. I respect those parents who don’t have an outlet. At least for me, 99 per cent of the time, I can avoid it. I don’t put their pictures on social media because it’s not always a kind place. As a mother, I only want gentleness for my children. Fortunately, though their parents are in the limelight, my children have remained concealed. Most people don’t know what they look like. With privacy comes freedom. I want to reward them with that as long as they’re fine with it. Every parent does what they believe is best for their children.

As an achiever and a mother, what’s something you’d like your daughter Mehr to know?

The first word I taught my daughter was ‘bas’. If you don’t want to eat more, you don’t. If you’re not interested in any more playtime, you say so. If you don’t want someone to call you cute and pull your cheeks… set your boundaries. If she learns how to set her boundaries, nothing and no one can change that. That makes me feel safe as a mother who’s raising a girl.

What life lessons would you like to share with her?

My mother said even if you have a setback in life, remember it’s for the good. If my daughter goes through heartbreak or professional hurdles, I want to be there for her the way my mother was there for me. It’s not about worrying about your loss. It’s about having the mental and emotional strength to pick yourself up and believe there’s something better for you. I want her to seek adventure and think outside the box. During my 20s, I was earning my own money. I used that to travel. I want her to be fearless, but never harm anyone. It’s important to keep faith in yourself and be able to tackle situations. Highs and lows are okay. Success and failure are okay. Heartbreak is okay. Friends may not remain friends anymore else. It’s life preparing you for much more. I want to tell her all this through this interview. Now, I’m getting teary-eyed. I hope someday Mehr reads this.

Two decades after being crowned Miss Universe (2002) and debuting in films with Qayamat: City Under Threat (2003), you’re still relevant.

When I’m busy working, I don’t pause to reflect on my journey. It’s only when there’s a lull that I remind myself I’ve been around for so long. I go out, I meet people, which helps me reinvent myself. I celebrate myself professionally. There are times when I wonder what I have done and why I am not getting the parts I want to do. Then I tell myself that I’ve been amongst the chosen few who’ve stayed relevant for more than 20 years. As a self-help strategy, I give myself credit for that. That’s when I feel proud of myself.

You seem to be busier than ever.

It’s rewarding to know that. But I’m snowed under with responsibilities. I don’t want the tag of a supermum, superwoman or Boss Lady. In fact, I want people to take the load off me. There are days when I’m completely overwhelmed with so many things that require my attention. Like I want to finish this interview on time so that I can shower and have dinner with the children. The flexibility with time, the leisurely afternoon lunches, going to work on a whim… I can’t have that leeway now. There are so many opportunities coming my way – endorsements, reality shows, OTT, films – along with looking after the children and myself. Yes, I deal with tons of mum guilt. It’s a new age of nuclear life. We want to do everything as parents and professionals. We don’t want to compromise in any area. School drop-off, school pick-up, gym, work, dinner, bedtime with the children… everything is an opportunity you don’t want to miss. But I’ve realised not everything is a missed opportunity. There are things I can do, things my husband can do, and things none of us need to do.