To get off the triangle, when we feel criticised or offended by our partner, we  try to not move into a ‘one down’ position of victim, or a ‘one up’ position of bully. Instead, we need to go within and be with ourselves and the trigger we just experienced.

There is a saying in counselling ‘Name it to Tame it’.

We say in our heads, or even to our partner ‘I’m noticing what was said was felt as a criticism’. In a healthy adult relationship- we recognise that our triggers are our own responsibility to work through. We can check with our partner if they meant to criticise, and we recognise that perhaps they were triggered themselves for some reason- we stand alongside our partner, and let them be responsible for their own feelings. Perhaps we can take some responsibility for whatever triggered us, even a drop of accountability can defuse the situation. It might sound like, “You have a point, I did do that”, or “I can see how you might have thought that, would it be okay if I explain my intentions behind that?”

Getting off the triangle means that each person is responsible for their own feelings. It is up to us to share our needs and feelings with our partner, and to let our partner take responsibility to express and look after their own feelings and needs. Couples that can do this can reach a greater depth of connection and can achieve a more authentic relationship.

Reflect on which part of the triangle is your ‘go to’, and if you think that the drama triangle is playing out in your relationship, book a session of relationship counselling to learn how to ‘get off’ the triangle, and into an interdependent and healthy relationship dynamic. Book with Ella Now