As counterintuitive as it might sound, for couples that have stopped having much sex and are stuck in a cycle of pursue / rejection, stopping sexual activity all together can have a wonderful effect, similar to ‘turning the computer off and then on again’ when you have IT issues. It restarts things and refreshes the system.

I encourage couples to commit to a few weeks or more where they promise that there will not be sexual touch. Instead, they will commit and dedicate themselves to showing up at least once a week, to enjoy some sensual touch, without pressure.

Sensual practice sessions;

A great activity to do at least once a week comes from Betty Martin’s work on the ‘Wheel of Consent’. It is called the 3 minute game. She describes 4 aspects of giving and receiving touch. Giving- doing something for our partner’s pleasure. Receiving- enjoying being touched by our partner. Taking- touching our partner for our own pleasure. Allowing- receiving touch that is for our partner’s pleasure, but still consensual and enjoyable for us. A great example that my Sexology Supervision Lynda Carlyle gave me is about breasts.

A partner with breasts might not experience a great deal of pleasure from their breasts being touched, but their partner might really LOVE touching them. The person with breasts is allowing, it feels nice enough, but they could take it or leave it. They allow themselves to receive this touch for their partner’s pleasure who is in the ‘taking’ role.

Or a non-sexual example might be going to visit your in-laws. It’s an okay visit, but there are other things you would rather be doing, but because you care about your partner, you go along, your partner receives pleasure from being with their family, and you allow it, you go along with it for your partner’s pleasure.

 Here’s the Game:

 One person asks both questions first.

1. What would you like me to do to you for your pleasure? (giving / receiving)
2. What would you like to do to me, for your pleasure? (talking / allowing).

Ask Qu 1. Negotiate what you would like to do, set the timer for 3 mins and enjoy. Then the same person asks Qu 2. set the timer for 3mins and enjoy, then the other person asks the questions.

Do the game with sensual or platonic touch only, as described above for a few weeks. This game can build back playfulness, after a few times may reduce awkwardness and can build longing and authentic non-pressured ‘wanting’.

After you have completed 4 rounds of 3 minutes, have a chat about what felt comfortable and what has more challenging? Are you good at receiving but feel weird taking? Are you always in allowing, and ‘giving’ was a stretch?

More information:

https://bettymartin.org/how-to-play-the-3-minute-game/

 Have fun practicing, and if you need more support please book a session.