Question

I am a woman with a vagina, and my partner is a penis-having man. We are very happy together and compatible in so many ways, but during sex, he seems to climax before I can even see the finish line. What can we do to elongate our intimate sessions in such a way that we both climax? And is it possible for us to work toward climaxing together?

Answer

Many people share that they wish their sex sessions lasted longer. In fact, research has shown that people with a vulva can require 15 minutes to be fully aroused, yet the average session lasts five minutes. The good news is there are lots of ways to create satisfying sexual experiences in both short and longer sessions.

It is important to mention, however, that performance anxiety is a real thing. If you or your partner is worried about not lasting or not being able to please the other person, it can increase sexual anxiety and negatively impact your ability to perform sexually. Stress about outlasting your partner can lead to difficulty staying aroused or enjoying the moment.

Whether it is you or your partner who is experiencing performance issues, it is important to communicate and be open to exploring different ways to build trust and confidence in each other. Here are seven tips to consider to help you both feel equally good and learn to climax together (or reconsider what finishing together means to you).

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1. Set pleasure goals

You and your partner both have the right to experience incredibly pleasing consensual orgasms. If you know that you would like to orgasm during sex, it is okay to set this as a pleasure expectation with your partner. Also, focus on ensuring you both finish period before focusing on doing so at the same time.

For example, next time he orgasms quickly, encourage him to use his hand or mouth to help you reach a clitoral orgasm. Guide him until he have a very good sense of how you like to orgasm. It can be quite simple and liberating to create a cadence where one partner finishes, you both take a moment to enjoy that orgasm, and then switch focus to the other partner. You can eventually enjoy multiple orgasms if you get used to going back and forth.

2. Play with sexual energy

One way to unlock techniques to longer-lasting sexual experiences is for both of you to understand how to control sexual energy. It helps to think of your arousal on a scale of one to 10. Your sexual energy is that warm, tingly feeling that builds in your body as you get aroused.

You can each build stamina by learning to stay at a moderate level of arousal rather than going to maximum pleasure right away. During sex, share with each other what “number” you feel. One of your first goals is to identify when you are in a seven, or moderate, range. This is the sweet spot where you can build sexual stamina, and with practice, last longer in that zone.

3. Introduce an arousal serum

Your inability to reach a climax may not necessarily be related to your partner. It could be that you need assistance becoming or staying aroused during your session. Arousal is when blood circulates to your genitals causing the clitoris to become erect and your vaginal walls to release moisture or wetness.

Sometimes you may need a libido boost to get your natural blood flow going or heighten sensations and that’s where an intimate serum comes into play. Intimate serums, such as the Bloomi Arousal Serum, are formulated to work with your body and mimic the natural lubrication it produces. They can help reduce sexual anxiety and help sex feel more pleasurable.

4. Indulge your senses

One way to get out of your head about the length of the session and whether or not you will orgasm is to be in the present moment and focus on your senses. Introduce sensual elements into your sessions and focus on how they feel. Things like silk sheets, a scented candle or sensual music can elevate your overall sensory experience. This will help the two of you slow down, get out of your thoughts and enjoy the entire experience.

5. Know don’t have to climax at the exact same time to enjoy the session together

Let go of the idea that you both have to climax at the exact same time in order for you to finish together during the session. Remember, your partner climaxing before you doesn’t mean they are not enjoying the experience or in it together with you.

If you would like to orgasm at similar times, go back to my recommendation on sexual energy. If you can master being in tune with your “number,” you can eventually learn to orgasm at similar times.

6. Create a relaxing space

Another way to enjoy intimacy longer is to be intentional about the space in which you are having intimate moments. Do you both feel calm there? You both can’t be in the mood if you are distracted or feeling ignored.

Ideally, both of you should meet there after unplugging from work and stressors. It is also important to feel prepared and motivated coming into that space. Whether that comes with the help of candles, lubricants or special toys, anything that helps you feel confident will promote relaxation.

7. Shift the focus to intimacy

Your partner’s inability to outlast you does not mean that either of you are inadequate, so be gentle with them if they feel conscious. Try expanding your definition of sex by focusing more on intimacy and the many ways you can both enjoy your bodies and climax together, in a sense. By exploring different ways of pleasing and being pleased, you may begin to understand and become more in tune with each other. For example, you can incorporate other forms of physical intimacy that go beyond penetrative intercourse—such as body massages, kissing or spooning—into your sessions.

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