A few years ago, I found myself in a strange situation with one of my closest friends. We hadn’t really fought in two decades of our friendship. But a casual remark by me ended up irking her so emotionally that she burst almost like a dormant volcano, waiting to erupt. She calmed down but we ended up having a confrontation like never before. Days and months since the incident, we had one realization about relationships – that people evolve with time, age and experience, and that healthy confrontation can also be good for every bond.

What is confrontation?

In simple words, confrontation is the act of directly addressing a conflict, disagreement, or issue with another person. It involves expressing one’s feelings, thoughts, or concerns openly and honestly, often with the aim of resolving a problem or misunderstanding. It is an important aspect of communication, as it allows people to clear up misunderstandings, express their needs and boundaries, and work towards mutual understanding and resolution, says mental health and behavioural science expert Dr Rahul Chandhok.

Why is confrontation needed to have a healthy relationship?

Direct confrontation was found to be beneficial when serious problems needed to be addressed and partners were able to change, as per a 2017 research published in the Current Opinion in Psychology journal. Confrontation can be uncomfortable, but it is necessary for maintaining healthy and honest relationships, as it prevents the buildup of resentment and unresolved issues. Here are more reasons why a healthy confrontation is needed –

1. Helps in clarifying misunderstandings

Confrontation is essential for a healthy relationship because it allows for the resolution of conflicts and the expression of individual needs, fostering a deeper understanding and connection between two people, says the expert. Addressing issues directly helps in clarifying misunderstandings and prevents building up of resentment. This honest communication is crucial for mutual respect and trust.

2. Improved communication

The benefits of confrontation in a relationship include improved communication, as all parties learn to express their thoughts and feelings openly and listen to each other. This transparency helps in setting boundaries, and respecting them, ensuring each person feels valued and understood.

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3. Personal growth

Constructive confrontation encourages personal growth, says Dr Chandhok. That’s because people become more aware of their own behaviour and how it impacts their relationships.

4. Improves stability

Addressing issues head-on can prevent minor problems from escalating into significant conflicts, maintaining a more stable and harmonious relationships. It also builds resilience, as people learn to navigate and resolve disagreements together, strengthening their bond. Ultimately, confrontation, when done respectfully and thoughtfully, leads to a healthier, more fulfilling relationship where both partners feel heard, respected, and supported.

Why do some people avoid confrontation?

Many people, especially couples in love, are scared of confrontation or avoid it because of fear of conflict, rejection, or emotional discomfort. People often worry that addressing issues might lead to arguments, hurt feelings, or even the end of the relationship. This fear can originate from past experiences, either from previous relationships or family dynamics where confrontation led to negative outcomes, explains the expert.

Also, some people lack the skills or confidence to communicate their concerns effectively, fearing they might be misunderstood or dismissed. Avoiding confrontation can also be a way to maintain a superficial sense of peace, even though underlying issues remain unresolved. However, this avoidance can be detrimental for the relation as it allows problems to fester and grow, potentially leading to greater conflict and dissatisfaction over time.

How to have a healthy confrontation in a relationship?

Confrontation is necessary when one feels hurt, disrespected, or neglected, or when there are recurring patterns of behaviour that cause distress. The objective of confrontation should be resolution and mutual understanding, not to win an argument or blame others. Here’s what to do:

1. Wait for the right time

Choose a calm and private setting for your conversation, avoiding times of high stress or distractions. This ensures that both of you can focus on the discussion without external pressures.

2. Use “I” statements

Frame your concerns using “I” statements, such as “I feel” or “I am concerned”, rather than “You” statements. This approach minimises defensiveness and emphasizes your feelings and perspectives without blaming your partner, shares the expert.

3. Stay calm and respectful

Maintain a calm and respectful tone throughout the conversation. Do not yell, or start name-calling, or interrupting while the other person is speaking. Respectful communication fosters a safe environment for open and honest dialogue and resolution.

4. Listen actively

Practice active listening by paying full attention to the other person’s words, acknowledging their feelings, and responding thoughtfully. This shows that you value their opinions, acknowledge their feelings and are willing to understand their point of view.

5. Focus on the problem

Address the specific behaviour or issue at hand, rather than attacking someone’s character. This keeps the conversation constructive and focused on finding solutions rather than assigning the blame, says the expert.

6. Seek solutions together

Work in a healthy way to find mutually acceptable solutions. Brainstorm together, compromise if needed, and be willing to make changes for the benefit of your relationship. This cooperative approach is all about teamwork, helping in strengthening the bond between friends, partners or family members.